By Ahmed, (a pseudonym) former CVT client in Minnesota.

I couldn’t even step outside because I could see their vehicles parked alongside the building where I lived. Agents were right at my window. There were at a hotel, but in my mind, it never came across that they were here to stay in this hotel. I never thought of that. What I was thinking was: They’re here for me.

I came to the United States from South Africa, after I fled there from Somalia when I was a teenager. I came to Minnesota through a lawful process, seeking asylum because of the violence and persecution I faced back in both South Africa and Somalia. If I were ever to go back, I will not survive.

This country felt safer. I had a lot of hopes in this country; in fact, I actually never felt safer. In my younger age, the things that I’d been through – it meant so much coming to America. I felt a relief, like someone who had just escaped from something like prison. So I felt a lot safer coming to the U.S.

Then ICE came to this city. It felt worse than what I was feeling in South Africa. I had federal agents looking for me. I felt circled. And someone that’s been circled, with tons of fear, and doesn’t have anywhere to return – it was really something that I would say was a horror.

Then ICE came to this city. It felt worse than what I was feeling in South Africa.”

I felt that they were listening to me; they might knock at my door any time. Having that paranoia made me not sleep at night. People were telling me they have devices that can listen to you – they have certain tools they can use, and my brain was telling me, okay, they’re here for me specifically. I later came to find out when there was a protest going on outside and people were here with whistles – that’s when I noticed they were actually staying at this hotel.

Still, I was here in my room, never left the entire time. I felt really scared and lost a lot of weight. People were like, what is happening to you? Even though I had food, I still lost a lot of weight. It was from seeing what was happening on Facebook, everything that social media was saying. It was really scary. They had machine guns. It’s something that I never thought would happen in my life. I mean living in South Africa there were riots and violence and a Xenophobia thing was going on, but what I felt here in America at that time – I’ve never felt it anywhere else.

A friend of mine said he didn’t mind getting pulled out of his car, getting arrested, but they were actually beating people up, even without resisting them. He was scared for his life – not worried that he was going to get arrested or deported or whatever the case might be – he was really scared they might even kill him. They were not arresting people just to grab them and throw them in the car; they had to beat them first.

They were not arresting people just to grab them and throw them in the car; they had to beat them first.”

At first, I thought it was all okay: they are here for people who have removals, deportation orders. We thought okay, this is not for us: we have cases, we are in a process. And by law we were not even supposed to be locked up or get deported because we had cases that were proceeding. But that was not what was happening. Citizens were getting locked up. People started telling me to leave the state, to go to Wisconsin. But I did not have anywhere to go.

It was even worse because we have a president that was actually saying so many things about the Somali community. It was not only ICE. And even though Minnesota is a great state, a friendly and good state, I knew there might be some people who might see you parked in your car and would call ICE.

So it was scary. I decided to remain in my apartment. I could not even buy sugar from outside, nothing at all. Then I spoke to Dr. Paul [CVT senior clinical advisor] and he and CVT provided me with groceries. That was really helpful; that’s what helped me remain in the building.

But I could not survive for a month or two months in the apartment alone. I lost a lot of weight, even though I had food. I was eating – just lost a lot of weight because of the stress and everything that was going on. So many things you tell yourself, like okay, what is going on with my life? Ever since I was young I have been going through this, and it still keeps on following me.

Ever since I was young I have been going through this, and it still keeps on following me.”

All that was in my head: there was nowhere else, no other country to return to. South Africa is in flames right now. Somalia is not an option. I left at a young age. All those things were coming into my head – I didn’t know what to think.

Every day was something new. I almost lost my job. I talked to a friend who told me, “Hey you know what, just go to sleep; it’s not like they’re going to break in your house. It’s not like they know where you are.” So sometimes I would switch off all my devices, but then someone would tell me, “They even know when your devices are off.” So you‘d be paranoid again.

It was really, really unimaginable. I never thought that would happen in America. Never thought. I could expect that in another country, but here in America: not in my lifetime.

I never thought it would happen.

Later after ICE left, they started to deny asylum cases. There had been a legal pathway set by Biden, but they were making excuses just to deny your case. They just said why didn’t you ask another country to give you asylum?

But I had. I came here from South Africa, where my brothers were killed and our houses burned. My family had a case brought to the U.S. by Homeland Security. I was left behind in South Africa because we didn’t have the communication there is today; we didn’t have cellphones like we do now. So I lost contact with them, and I was left behind.

So when the judge asked, “Why can’t you return to Somalia?,” I tried to make the case that I don’t have any clan that protects me because my clan is seen as a minority back there. My own city where I was born, where my great grandfather was born, is not in the hands of my clan. It was taken by another clan when the civil war took place. Now If I go to that city, I will be seen as a threat. People think that when someone comes from outside, he probably knows a lot, he’s probably educated, he might even have money. That’s the first thing they think. They just get rid of you.

Back in 2006 when I left Somalia, my clan was the first one to be targeted. Other people had protection from other clans; they had armed groups. They used to tell us a phrase in Somali: Cidna uma ooyi lahayd iyaga  – it means “No one would cry for them.” Meaning, you could just get killed; no one would cry for you.

So many things happened in Somalia. So many things. It’s not like living in the United States where you can just say “I’m American; I can live in any city.” It doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t.

So now my life is in between. It feels like I’m still in South Africa, not in America. My asylum case was denied, even though the fear of what will be done to me if I’m sent back is still the same. I cannot go back anywhere. And where I stand right now I would describe it as giving up hope because I thought I was safer here. But right now, it’s at square one. It feels like I’m still in South Africa.

And where I stand right now I would describe it as giving up hope because I thought I was safer here. But right now, it’s at square one.”

For me, coming to America and now facing the same thing over and over again – I don’t even know what I’m going to face in my 40s, my 50s. So my life: I would call it hell. I grew up that way. Forget about things like buying houses, having education, having a better future for their kids: I can’t get a safe place to live just like a normal human being.

I don’t want to live another 30 years living like this. I want to hold the hands of my wife, kids, take my kids to school just like everyone else. Those are the things that I want to do. I want to live life so that I don’t have to look over my shoulders and see who’s coming. I feel like I’m in a cage, where with my next move, someone might pick me up and put me somewhere and I’ll still not feel free.

I just want to be free. I’m not asking to have a better life – just to be free. That’s what I’m asking.